I just wanted to write a little and say hello to everyone who reads my blogs. Some of you, okay most of you, I do not actually know, but none the less I am very happy that my blog gives you a little piece of joy or inspiration and happiness.
I write because I love to. It is my passion and for me it is easy. In fact often I don’t even know what I am going to write about, it just somehow flows out of me. And for that I am very grateful. It makes me feel better. It’s like a purge of sorts, or a clarification. Like getting all my ducks in a row. It’s like having a good tidy up, making your bed, getting things done. Boom. Love it.
What is it that you do that makes you feel like you have accomplished something awesome? Maybe it’s exercising? Or cooking? Or gardening? The choice is really endless.
I am on school holidays right now and it has been great to have some down time, relax time, and do whatever the hell I want time. Because frankly this is my life, pretty much all the time. Being a solo independent free spirit I can come and go and do as I please. I have set my life up like this perhaps not overly intentionally, but now that I am here, I am okay with this.
I am an over thinker, yes I am female, so I am constantly thinking up alternatives, travel plans, buy house or not to buy house, hunt for a husband or just let one fly in. Who the hell knows what the future will bring? What we do know is that we do not know. Life has been extremely uncertain for me for perhaps the last decade, and increasingly it concerned me, made me anxious, nervous, even depressed and apprehensive. But the reality is anything could happen. Or nothing could happen. It all comes down to personal choice.
This is something I have been on at myself for awhile now.
‘What do you really want?’
Well the truth is I am not really sure. And I am getting better at accepting this. I have accepted I am not the over achiever I used to be. I am not obsessed with material things, I am not even slightly interested in ‘growing my wealth’ substantially; I just want to have enough money in the bank to live abundantly, have plenty of options, choices and freedom. And that is where I am at. And that is a good place to be. I really am very fortunate, it is all about perspective.
The older I get the more complex I feel I have become. I know that in time we learn to adapt and compromise and fit into someone else’s life, but I haven’t even done that. The right one has not come along yet. Do I go hunt him down like an aggressive dominant female? I could, but really I don’t want to. Because that is not my style, or better, I don’t want to be that person.
Relationships have certainly changed over time, and I realised today as I chatted to a friend post walk, people are not prepared to compromise. Perhaps me included. Compromising our wants and needs is crucial to making a relationship work, develop or evolve, right? For me it appears to be a complex puzzle that is extremely difficult to solve. The reality is, life is okay living independently. The older I get the more I realise some of us are not designed to be married with children.
Not that I will rule it out. Never say never.
But the important point of my post is, let’s make the most of the now. The time we have right now to explore, relax, be, do what we want and enjoy life as much as we can with what we have right now. The constant striving for more, for better, for bigger, for newer, for this, for that, is exhausting. Acceptance of the present is so important. So right now I accept. I accept this is how it is.
Life has moved in a rapid blur of events, work, travel, fun, sadness, ups and downs in the past few years. Soon it will be 2 years since my Mum died. It feels like a week ago. I think and talk about her daily and sometimes she comes in close for me, which I am happy about. It is getting easier, but grief is one of the most overpowering emotions we will ever experience. It is not easy. It does get a little better in time, but knowing my life will continue with out them for years to come, still seems completely surreal. Surely they will come back? But they won’t. If only they could. Death sucks. So hard to say good bye to our best friends. It is so final.
The only way I can deal with it is to reassure myself that life is for living, our time will come one day, for you and for me. Our time here is limited, not forever, I repeat, nothing lasts forever. So why live like it will? Do the things you want to do, say the things you need to say, and be sure to get out there and experience all the things you want to experience before you can no longer. Life is for living!!
916 epiphanic words,