Have you played Chinese checkers? This used to be one of my favourite childhood games, and one game I would play with my Mum. This week I have had a few triggers, reminding me of my sad reality; reminding me I no longer have my Mum and Dad in my life.
When things trigger me, various things it can be, from Chinese checkers to a line I read in a book; I continue to be overwhelmed by my emotions. This week for some strange reason, I have shed a bucket of tears. I even had a few breakdowns at work, not so attractive, but it’s real. These days I try not to let the tears stop when they choose to come, even if the time is not the most appropriate. Letting them flow so easily, I am hoping they will cease to fall so frequently one of these days.
Chinese checkers was one game that Mum and I used to play together when I was young. I was a pestering only child, “play with me” kind of child, an only child who craved attention at times, especially from my Mum. She always seemed consumed by her own activities, and I in turn kept busy with whatever I chose to do. I would read, colour, tidy, play outside, keep busy somehow. I used to move my room around a lot, I loved the feeling of sleeping in a new position at night time, it was all about getting a new perspective. And even then as a small child, I was intuitively aware about the beneficial fresh energy that would be gained from moving furniture around. Mum would sew, knit, stitch, and be totally consumed in some crafty/sewing/ creative endeavour constantly. I would fall asleep to a purring sewing machine most nights, a new creation awaiting me on waking. She was so talented.
So on the rare occasion she would play a game with me, and checkers it was! We would play a few games, enjoying the flow of jumping and gaining and winning, and that would be that. I played with a friend of mine the other night, and it really reminded me of my Mum. That night I dreamed of her multiple times, in different time eras of her life. It made me emotional. Teary. Reminiscent. Sad. Happy. Lonely. I miss her so much.
My week continued and sadly didn’t improve emotionally. I seemed to continue with the triggers. I just finished reading a book about a man who died from AIDS, it started well, it just didn’t end too well for him or the book for that matter. It reminded me of my lovely Mum in her final stages of life. Those are harrowing images and memories. Her eyes filled with an opaque mist, as her body was overwhelmed by the pain reducing morphine. I won’t continue on that line, but you know what I mean if you have seen someone die, it is so difficult to lose our loved ones.
I am finding it very hard to let them go. To let both my parents go. I love them so much and think of them daily. A big gaping hole remains in my life. I know I have to let them go in order for me to move on, but I am finding it very hard to do. I continue to dream of one or the other every single night. It is time for me to move forward in my own life and work out what that looks like without them. A harsh reality, but the truth.
It is hard to face our truth sometimes, and this is purposely why I write this blog. To help myself face the truth, and to hopefully inspire you my reader to live a better life, and be inspired by my experiences and thoughts. I hope you continue to follow my journey and enjoy reading my posts. I always enjoy your comments and feedback.
Thanks, Anita xxx
2 thoughts on “Triggers to the past.”
You write very expressively about your experience of your grief and your journey through the stages of bereavement. I found when I reached acceptance with the losses I have been through it transformed the emotions from being heightened, anguished and raw to the dull ache of sadness. We can learn to cope with that sadness but it doesn’t go away. What’s lovely is that the very same things that trigger your sadness also remind you of cherished memories. Memories can be poignantly bittersweet that way.
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They sure can Laura. Thanks for your support and understanding. Grief is a very strange journey. Writing and reflecting is helping me process all the madness. Slowly things are getting clearer. Life is for living! X
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