I have big energy. Massive, fill the room, hyperactive, scrape me off the ceiling kind of energy. And this is a good thing, a very good thing. But. Not many people can handle it. So far, no one I know can seem to handle it.
One thing about having big energy is, you crash. I guess I am bit bi-polar, self diagnosed. I can swing to manic manic upper upper highs, where I am virtually swinging from the chandeliers topless swigging a bottle of champagne in one hand and laughing raucously. Now that sounds like fun right? Then I crash. Just this afternoon, I had to shut the curtains, lie on the couch, watch something fun on Netflix. Crazy ex-girlfriend. ABSOLUTE GOLD. But that is for another post.
What do you do when you are too much for everyone?
Slap yourself in the face, and say ‘Calm the fuck down Anita’.
And then I calm down and then I just feel miserable, because at the end of the day, I think people forget that I am on my own. I have no family. What I do have don’t seem to care about me that much. Sorry, but that is how I feel. Lucky I do have good friends. But heck, we need more than friends. We need someone to cuddle, someone to tell our dreams to, someone to snuggle up on the couch with, someone to laugh with, someone to eat with. I hate eating by myself.
Without falling into the comparison trap, although I will briefly, how the fuck does everyone else seem to manage to be in good relationships? Have kids? Share their lives with big groups of people? Why the fuck do I always find myself by myself? Fuck.
I have experienced a bit of rejection recently, and it’s tough to swallow. Why didn’t he want to hang out with me? I am so much FUN?!!! But no, doesn’t seem to be the case. A girl friend I have had for a few years, has stopped talking to me, over something completely ridiculous, we didn’t even verbally talk about. She is pregnant, her ex found out via the chain of numerous girlfriends chittering away and boom, she hates my guts. I didn’t fucking tell him, don’t blame me. Sometimes you just have to let people go. As hard as it is.
I sort of started dating this guy recently, which was a big deal for me as I really don’t like that many people, enough to date them anyway. I liked this one. I was actually really genuinely enjoying getting to know him. When I was away recently he let me know via text that he didn’t want any thing serious. He just wanted to be friends. Even when we were getting on so well. Perhaps he was a good actor, but it seemed genuine to me. Strangely I haven’t heard from him. Fuck.
SO there you go, dramas. I am going to a workshop this Friday called “Let that shit go”; seems highly relevant at this point in time. I have a lot of shit that needs letting go. But the rudimentary facts are all still the same. I always come back to the same denomination of one. Numero uno.
It also occurred to me that this time 5 years ago I was moving out of a boyfriends house, another failed relationship, on epic proportions. He moved on fast, had a new girlfriend within a month, she moved in, boom, they get married. Good for fucking him. Arsehole.
It is hard to be positive all the time, and this post proves that I am not the super motivated optimist all the time. Generally I am. 98% of the time. It is important to be positive, but I am also a realist. And my reality feels pretty lonely right now. I am not really sure what to do about it to be honest. I guess I just keep on being me, and try and be less full on. I don’t even know how to be less full on. One day I am sure someone will like my full on-ness. They may even encourage my full on-ness. I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and that is okay, because frankly your not all my cup of tea either.
Especially that fucking neighbour who cut all my roses in my front yard the other day, now that was annoying.
I try to be friendly to most people but one thing about me, if I don’t like you, you will know about it. Boundaries are important in life, and I guess those people who have rejected me have taught me that boundaries are important and sometimes you just need to say no to things that do not feel right in your life.
So that’s it for this rant. I feel marginally better for spilling forth all that. I hope that hasn’t come across as a crazy person, but you know what? I don’t care. I know I am just a bit too much.