My Mum is dead. Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead. I needed to write this a few times because I still find it hard to believe that she just won’t walk down the street, or be at the end of my phone call, or be there to hug, or even just be there at all.

My Mum died quickly. In 3 months she was gone. She went from being a lively spritely energetic amazing woman to an emaciated dying bony woman in a matter of weeks. It was shocking, and difficult, and hard, and challenging all at the same time. I think back on those days almost every day, and still wish I could just have one more day with her although I would not want to have her suffer any more than she did.

As Mothers Day approaches I know that this day will be a difficult day for me. I have plans with a good friend so it should be okay, but really every day was Mothers day for me and for my Mum and I. We would go everywhere together, walking arm in arm, and tell each other all our secrets. We would drink together, eat together, hug daily, and talk about everything and anything. I miss her so much.

I can feel her around me quite a bit still, but it is just not the same. I feel a sense of abandonment around losing my parents. I have been left stranded here on this earth to fend for myself. It sucks mostly. No one can prepare you for the loss of losing your parents, but one day we will all experience this feeling.

I envy those people who are well into their mid to late life, sixties or more and still have their parents around. They are so lucky to have their people around for this many years. I turn a pale shade of green whenever I hear people talk about their parents. It’s just not fair. But this is life. Life is not fair. Fair has nothing to do it with it really. It is what it is. I was lucky enough to have known them at all.

I want to compile a list of things I have learnt since my Mum died:

1. Hugs are not to be taken for granted. Enjoy them when you can get them. I honestly can not remember the last good hug I had; and that saddens me.
2. Do not take your parents for granted. Love them, spend time with them, cherish them, and make your time together special, it will not last forever.
3. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it comes in hard and fast and can drown you; eventually you bob back up to the surface again, weathered but surviving.
4. You only get so much time in life to do the things you want to do. So go do them.
5. Death can teach you more than life. Death teaches you to live, because it is so final.

 

I want to keep it brief and punchy. I continue to grieve and miss my Mum and my Dad, but I know I have to grow up and face the facts and learn to live without them by my side. I am surprised I have survived 2 years now without both of them; I honestly thought I would get cancer and keel over too. Perhaps I still might into the future, but before then, I know how important it is to make the most of the life we have now. Now is all we have.

Now go call your Mum, or better still, go give her a hug and tell her you love her.

I wanted to post this on Mothers day to send a heart felt ‘I get you’ to all those other people who have lost their Mums too. There are many of us who find this a difficult day and know you are not alone.

How awesome was your Mum?

Anita xx