My mind is a blurry whirly mess. I have an incessant desire to write. I literally write at least 5 blog posts a day in my head. It is a very busy place. It could be the excessive consumption of coffee, my usual buzz of escalating nervous energy, bubbling to the surface, ecstatically ready to explode and burst out of me, like a raging exploding pimple, only better. Satisfaction. Words leave me, finally, as I sit in the warm bath of my mind, I pull the plug and watch the water drain around, feeling more naked, but refreshed from a luxurious soaking. That’s what writing is like. The delicious choice of words, which ones will I choose next? So many options. Just like life, so many options. A delirious cacophanic number of options. Argh. It will get better, stick with me here…
I really do write a lot in my head. I compile all sorts of random sentences and titles, thinking about what I want to write about next, how would that be engaging? Can I even say that? I am getting to the point now where I really want to delve deeper with my writing. I want to say more. I want to expose more of my befuddled convoluted little mind, and express. Get those words out of my head and in some semblance of order. Writing them down creates order. Neatness. Just how I like it.
But sometimes words are revealing. Too much revelation. How much is too much? Nakedness is too much. Sex is too much. Drinking is too much. Honesty is too much. I speak the truth from my heart, I write in an exposing way. I find it hard not to write the truth, why else would you bother?
I took another day off today. I had the desire to sleep in, fluff around the house, wash my sheets, wash my clothes, tidy my house, get all my ducks in a row. After some coffee and fresh strawberries I took myself for a walk to the beach. Blue clear skies and a shining sun greeted me. As did my flowers, the dogs lefts behind, and again hardly any humans. The streets were abandoned, quiet, desolate, all the suckers at work. We are all suckers in this game of life. We work so much, we do so many things we don’t really want to do, for the hope of having the time to do more of what we want to do; but in fact that time may never come.
I am determined to enjoy my now. Today. I appreciate the little things. I notice the new flowers blossoming on my street. I notice when my favourite rose bush has been pruned. Good bye for now, I look forward to your return. I appreciate the chirping birds, I admire the shining sun, and a fluffy cloud filled sky. I smell lavender and chunks of rosemary. I create energetic patterns by retracing my steps on every walk I take. Slowly, daily and weekly I am becoming more in tune with my new area.
I moved across town just over a year ago now. I still feel a little alienated in the poshest of suburbs in Perth. Slowly I make my mark on my little piece of rented territory. I put down tentative roots. Ones I can pull up quickly. I am reluctant to ground myself. I dream of moving almost daily, and dream of staying. My mind constantly works against itself, it can be exhausting. Eat ice-cream/go for a run, move house/stay here, travel overseas/stay here and work, dye my grey hair/be natural and embrace it. We are our own worst enemy. I must try and work WITH myself a bit more, it would be so much easier.
I am already feeling better 623 words later. It is like a release valve on my mind. I have included just one of my pics from my walk this morning. Check me out on Instagram @Ozolins813 for more of my photos.
I am on the edge of change once again. I feel like I am creeping my toe towards the edge of the cliff, I can see the pebbles fall off the precipice of the unknown. I am about to fly. Life is about to change. I can not explain how I know this, I can just feel it, my intuition tells me so. Life is continually changing for us all, but is it always good? It is all about perspective.
Hope you are having a good day.
Yours in madness,