Rainy Saturday Afternoon Pondering’s

Stormy at the beach today, but still very beautiful. Kind of like life right? Stormy at times but still very beautiful.
Stormy at the beach today, but still very beautiful. Kind of like life right? Stormy at times but still very beautiful.
I have not had a good day, so far. I am all over the place emotionally this week. It has been quite the transition settling into my new home, good, but challenging.
The stark reality of being on my own is very real now.
I hate to admit it, but I am feeling really quite miserable.
It is very difficult to admit, but I think I am d…
De…
Depressed. There I said it. God that was tough.
I have been raised to be so darn positive and optimistic all the time that when I feel flat and miserable I want to sweep such pesky annoying and unwelcome feelings under any matt I can find. I do not like feeling de…, I can’t even say it, unhappy, and I will keep fighting it. Although today, with rain and wind outside, I have conceded defeat on my usually active plans and decided to stay home.
With candles on, incense burning and a saved subscribed magazine now read, I am already feeling better about my choice to ground myself. As I was flipping through the glossy goodness of “Homes Plus” Magazine, I was suddenly inspired to write. All that interior decorating awesomeness was making me feel inspired!
And as coaxed by a fellow blogger this morning, “words really are magical”, I felt the desire to write and here goes; I do it because I love it.
I feel like my biggest support in blogging has come from strangers, and other bloggers all around the world. I love reading your blogs and seeing your beautiful art works in watercolour and other mediums. I love art and feel very passionate about pursuing and encouraging others to pursuit their creative talents. If only we could be better paid to be so creative right?
I am in crisis mode at the moment, and feel like a complete reshuffle of my priorities and life goals are in order. I need to do a massive brainstorm, goal setting session and creatively explore my mind and see what ignites my passion, once again. It is reset time, and time to focus on new things, new energies and explore new ideas. I am so passionate about doing what I love to do, I really need to continue to act as I preach.
As I drink tea from my favourite blue glass mug, I am looking out into my new green and brown courtyard. I have now created a space I can call my own. Entirely mine. I have culled almost half or more of my possessions, from clothes to books to crap in draws that just needed to go. I feel lighter, but also raw. I am a blank canvas again, ready to be splashed with inspiration and motivation and insight to an awesome life once again.
When I left for my trip to go overseas for 9 weeks about 3 months ago; I was teary and anxious and suffering my “manic panic”, remember? I felt this way because I knew my travels were going to irrevocably change me. As they always do. I would be ripped from the order and perfection I had created in my day to day life at the time. Life was good before I left on my trip; I was happy, in a good routine, happy in my work, eating well, keeping up my fitness and my social life was buzzing. Since I have returned I had to move house and everything has simply gone tits up (an Aussie expression meaning things just are not the same).
But that’s the magical thing about life. Nothing stays the same, the good and the bad. Life is a continual progression from stagnation to swift movement, from manic to miserable, from ecstatic to teary, from elated to offended, from daunted to thrilled. We are always on some emotional scale of wonder.
Writing this blog has helped me immensely. I feel like you my readers are a huge support for me too, and I want to say thank you to you all. I have no family now, and I generally feel quite disconnected from things in life right now. Blogging makes me feel good. I enjoy contributing to this creative pursuit, and bringing you as my reader some joy and perhaps a bridge of understanding? We are all so similar but so different in many ways. I hope my words can connect to you.
I have a tragic thing to admit. I feel like I am dying. But you know the reality is we are all dying every day. We are all catapulting to our end point whether we like it or not, whether we are aware of it or not. I look at old people and wonder;
“How the hell did you make it that far?”
I know my grief and sadness is changing my chemical balance in my body, and I am crumbling on the inside. It is up to me to change this attitude and overcome my grief and find joy in my life again. Doing it on my own is not easy, and some days are easier than others. Today I am struggling, but within the day, there will always be joy. A break of sun, a call from a friend, a visitor, an encounter with a stranger to boost my mood. Things are constantly evolving.
So what to do with this thing called life? I continue to challenge the prescribed program of marriage, mortgage, children and full time work. I have so far not made this mould of conformity, and I realise now at 36 I do not think I am suited to any of it, or maybe I am?
Who the fuck knows?
Ok, I think I have dribbled on long enough here. I would love some comments. Tell me what you are doing that is exciting in your life right now? Pump me with some enthusiasm!
Love Anita xx
P.S. On a  brighter note there are still more posts on Turkey coming next week!! 🙂
Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Rainy Saturday Afternoon Pondering’s

  1. I am always encouraged knowing that the human brain can only really hold one emotion at a time. Thus joy becomes tear becomes laughter and we look back and wonder what the hell was that about…. Being Buddhist, I’ve been closely examining my slow slide to death for 30 years or so thus it doesn’t sound shocking to me. I’m also chronically ill so get reminded daily of my limitations that I still try and somehow get around. We are human after all!

    Take care. Life will keep on moving as will you, it just won’t always feel jolly to do it. 😉 As Trungpa said, the bad news is we’ve fallen off the cliff, the good news is there is no ground.

    xox

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks so much. I am a ball of emotion recently. The day ended well though so thats good. It was a full moon too so lets blame that too right?! Thanks for commenting xx

    Like

  3. Hey Anita your writing really connect reader’s mind, sometimes I feel some part of the story is mine 🙂 anyways your travel notes are very inspiring, I would love to travel like you!
    I like your writing style, I can’t express things I am learning how to write. From your blog! 🙂 thanks and waiting for next notes 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally feel you. Although my situation hasn’t been caused by tragedy. Having a baby to care for has also turned my life upside down and made me wonder who I actually am. I don’t get to do all the things that made me “me”. I never get to go to gym and I absolutely loved it. I hardly get to socialise and barely see my husband anymore. I too, can feel so alone at times. My blog and exploring creativity has also helped me immensely. The support from other bloggers has inspired me to keep trying and has kept me enthusiastic.

    Your post is brilliantly written and has so much strong emotion. It’s so vibrant that I just know you will get through. You have an amazing outlook on life, even when it’s not going too well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thanks so much Kyly. I really appreciate your comments 🙂 Yes, life is up and down, and I am starting to see the cracks of light appearing brightly again so that’s the good news! 🙂 I was really feeling pretty bleak when I wrote this. Fortunately I cheered up! Have a read of my one with the big bright moon on the cover. I think its titled something like “A good ending to a bad morning!” lol. Always have to throw the positive spin on it right? Love it! xxx Take care, and I hope you can make time for the gym and start up date night once a week. So important. Get a bloody babysitter! 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Get onto it Kyly! Get a local teenager, they are always looking for work… date night, WEEKLY! Movies, dinner, spa dates, overnight hotel stays, weekends away, walks, picnics… gosh that all sounds pretty good right? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s