May is always a stressful month for me. A month every year that my emotions run higher than normal. My Mum passed away in 2014 in May, and as I type that date, I think wow, that is AGES ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I am lucky to dream about her fairly consistently, at least once a fortnight. I share stories about her as if she is still alive. It has been a big month. Here is a small recap.

The best thing most recently was I went down to my friend’s farm in Collie. Only 3 hours from Perth, they have been living down there for under 6 months. I have always wanted to live on a farm, but second best is visiting friends with a farm! I helped out as much as I could, weeding in the veggie patch, and helping out with food prep and cleaning up. We picked apples from the orchard next door and made apple and rhubarb crumble, and dehydrated a heap as well. We sat out under the stars at night to an open fire sharing stories and watching the flames and embers flicker. Just magical. Another cool thing we did was go for a picnic lunch at Stockton lake, a short drive from there property. This lake is an old coal mining pit, but now it is a bright aqua blue colour. It is a magic setting, minus the intermittent roar and whizz of the motor bike complex inconveniently located right next to the lake! Besides that it was great!

I get so much joy from being outside all day long. It’s the simple things in life right? I came home from that weekend fully restored, bursting with energy and feeling really well nourished from all the yummy food we ate and satisfied from heaps of time outside. Thanks again Fiona for hosting me, I hope to come back another time soon! 

Another good thing happened recently. I was having a bit of a tragic morning. That wasn’t the great part at all, but it was the beginning. I found out my ex boyfriend was dating some one new, and it just really stung. I am surprised how much really. It was really time to let that one go, but I had hung on to the idea of him for way too long. I love HARD. And rarely. So he should have considered himself lucky!! But unfortunately he didn’t share my perspective or feel the same way I did. Such a pity. But one must remember there are millions of men out there and quite honestly we need to make space for the right one to come along. Stop looking back so to speak. Anyhow, I was all tears and grim faced coming to work that day, and to my surprise a little parcel arrived for me. My friend who works there on a different day had given me a surprise. I opened it up slowly, and could not believe my eyes! I burst into tears, again, for the second time that morning, as the gift was the exact same purse my Mum had given me many years ago. This day was 2 days before her anniversary of her passing, and for me it was a big sign that she was saying hello and that she was still close by, and that she loved me so much. She knew my friend quite well too, that had picked this gift out, so I think she somehow guided her to this exact purse. Cool story eh? Thanks Mum, and thanks Em, it was a beautiful surprise! 

I have also been hosting quite a bit on airbnb lately, all sorts of people come stay with me. I learn a lot about different cultures and peoples different habits, sometimes good and sometimes bad. I try to always be kind, and accepting of peoples differences. For the most part it is a good experience and the extra money helps with my mortgage. I am aiming to pay my house off as fast as possible. 

I have been in a funny head space lately. And when I say funny, it’s not haha funny. I have this compulsive urge to GO somewhere, anywhere really. I always want to run away from the life I am living. However, it is a didactic mood, because even though I know I want to go I know I should stay. I seem to be hesitant to make change, even though it is what I am craving. I am trying to embrace my present and enjoy all the things I have now, but I still fall into this mindset of wanting to make radical change. It is quite exhausting. I have been thinking to try another international teaching job, or take another country teaching job. Or drive around Australia. Or book a one way ticket to Europe. And really I could do any of these things, or all of them one after the other. Nothing is really stopping me except myself. I have enough money, sort of, I would always have to work as I go, but still I hesitate. I have done big things before, so I know I am capable. I have always been a seeker of adventure. I know I grow so much from these adventures, and pushing out of my comfort zone. I also know I need to try and burrow down a bit more too. Get a cat, that will slow me down a little. Redo the bathroom tiles. Paint the house. Keep planning weekend getaways. Life ticks along. I am sort of in a holding pattern, just waiting for something more exciting to happen.

Suffering from the “what should I do next?” way of thinking is self defeating. It’s exhausting and never ending. Ultimately the joy is felt in the now moment, and really making the most of the present. Appreciating everything and everyone we have in our lives right now is important. Keeping up with good daily routines. Keeping on top of our health and wellness, and making the most of what is right in front of us. Why can’t that be enough? 

Perhaps it is a human trait to always be seeking more. But it really is quite exhausting. Do you have this experience? Are you satisfied with your life exactly how it is? What is something you really want to do but haven’t go the courage to do?

Yours in pensive thought, 

Anita xxx