Recently I went to a tantra meditation night. I know, very weird. But I am into trying new things and pushing out of my comfort zone and reconnecting with my chi, and all that hippie shit. I didn’t quite realise what I was getting myself into though!

It was an interesting experience in more ways than one. I learnt so much about myself and about how weird people can be. But that is all okay, weirdness is good, I just couldn’t quite get to that level of weirdness… turns out I am way more sane than I realised! So let me introduce some of the characters on this bizarre weekday evening…

Firstly there was the lovely lady who ran the whole thing. Young, clearly in touch with her feminine and was really good at really loud breaths. She was actually really nice. She was warm and friendly, and seemed to exude love. I see burnout being a problem in the near future… Her partner seemed okay at first, we will call him partner guy for sake of reference, but through the night kept throwing me shifty ‘you are being inappropriate glances’, and shut down eye stares. I really couldn’t read this guy. Well I could. Ok I will. Very feminine, but big and hairy, lovely, but weird. That pretty much sums it up. More about him later…

Thirdly there was Orgasm girl, who really gave me the most material to work with for this article; purely based on the sounds she made, constantly, all night long.  Honestly she made more orgasmic moaning noises than I have expressed collectively over 5 years. Wow she was so connected to her primal animal! Her lower chakras and screaming for release, she was letting it all out. If only I could express myself like that! Perhaps all my blocks could be resolved?? It made me realise how bloody blocked up I am. There seemed to be a big fat black blockage around my chest, and the energy refuses to go lower. And there is a massive armour/protection/defence screen/steel enforced barrier cage wrapped around the rest of me. But on a positive note, my head is great! My mind is free as a bird, completely overactive and spent most of the night outside my body completely physically disconnected from the experience, literally writing this blog in mind. So much good material!

At one point of the night after the first exercise, where we had dropped some of our guard and I was just starting to feel relaxed and somewhat comfortable with starring for 10 minutes into the eyes of a complete stranger, Nordic man went off his rocker! But first let me introduce this new character who seemed so bloody innocent and nice. At the start of the night we were asked to give our responses to “what is love”. Now without starting to sing ‘baby don’t hurt, no more…’I felt that nordic man came up with the best answer. After multiple attempts of the group to describe this very elusive indescribable feeling that we all want/need/crave; nordic man says some thing like this ’the universe is love, and everything in it is made up of love, it is what the universe is made of’. I paraphrase, but that is the gist of it. OMG so profound. YES!! I like this guy!   We even exchanged a smirk at one point of the evening when orgasmic girl let out a particularly loud groan of delight, bitch. (*She was so not a bitch, more like a hippie angel, clearly I am just jealous of her ability to openly express…) But then it all changed!

Angelic nordic man went from angel to devil very fast. After said first exercise, eye ball gazing, hugging it out, being all calm, nordic man decides fairly spontaneously to release his inner demon by screaming at an ear piercing volume completely dumping his toxic shite pent up agresssion into the hot and stuffy peaceful ‘safe space’. I was like a hyena in a headlight, jolted back into my reality and imediately needing space and to get the fuck away from the demon man. Urghh. Where the fuck was I? I should be at home watching MAFS smashing icey poles and pulling jokes about Inis the anus. As I stood outside in the fresh night air, I was like ‘What the actual fuck? to the girls around me’ then partner guy stares me down ‘he is in a safe space, it is okay’. Well it’s bloody not safe for anyone else in there now thanks very much!! Nordic demon man just released a demon into that stuffy hot not so safe space. Urgh.

I came back to the room, hugging my new random stranger friend in the last exercise of the evening, thankyou, whoever you are for this crazy encounter. While I was hugging it out with my stranger partner, and connecting but really not really, I kept starring over at the two girls who seemed to be having an amazingly intimate connection. I want what they were having. Then there was a couple who were into it but seemed a bit awks. Then there was orgasm girl who was clearly, audibly, getting right into it, and her male random partner, completely hippie package with animal fluffy vest, bless him, thought all his christmases had cum at once. Seriously, I think they both had a massive stand up clothes on orgasm, well that’s what it sounded like. And then there was me. Hugging it out, enjoying the hug but feeling completely disconnected from the physical, instead I was up and out on the roof somewhere in my mind writing this blog. Mentally writing it. I wish I had a voice recorder because there was some pretty funny shit running through my mind.

Overall I realised my primal animal is asleep. Like taking a cat nap somewhere. I need to wake that pussy up!! I need to get my kitty cat purring again! For now my hips hurt and I am tired and ready to sleep so that old cat can just sleep a little longer…If you get a chance to try something as weird and hippie as tantra meditation, I wish you luck, go in peace and an open mind!

Namaste,

Anita xx