Some times you look at your balls and they are all dusty, laying around, you hate the look at them, you despise them. As they lay stagnant there you wish they would move a little, roll them around, change their colour, change anything about them. Suddenly, what feels like a miracle they start rolling around, you clean them up, they look better and roll faster, then the next thing you know, boom, you throw them all up in the air like a professional juggler, and now they are suspended in the air moving around slowly, with curiosity, like in space slowly moving, their fate undetermined. This is how I feel right now. I have thrown all my balls in the air, and I am not quite sure how they will land. It is exciting, anxiety provoking, but this is the thrilling part of change when you radically throw yourself into a new life. This is what I wanted, apparently!

Throughout my life I have frequently made radical changes. From the age of 18, I have moved abroad and lived in many different cities, namely Vancouver, then London, then Kalgoorlie, Guatemala… the list goes on. I am a restless person, and seem to love the pursuit of change. Once the dust settles, and the balls are in place, it does not seem to take long for them to start gathering dust and looking dull again, and then that is my motivation to begin the process of moving them around all over again. It is a repetitive cycle, sometimes tiring, exhilarating and actually quite strange behaviour really. I would have thought I could have grown out of this restlessness and need to change, but apparently not. Here I go doing it again!

I have only been here just under a week and it has been a good week exploring and living like a local in my new city. Darwin is a melting pot of a place, people from everywhere, making it hard to describe its identity. I like it so far, but I am not in love with it. And I still feel like I am on holidays, which I am. But shit is about to get real very soon. I am feeling really anxious about my new job and I just hope it is going to be okay. I have trapped myself here until mid October at least, unless I want to lose money. I know what I am like, and I have pre-empted any radical feelings of wanting to flee. Although it seems to be in built, and when the rage or impulsive witch strikes, baby get back. I have been known to do burnouts in staff carparks and book flights to leave on a jet plane all in a day. I know, I am one crazy bitch. I was raised to not put up with a bad situation. “Anit, don’t put up with shit in your life, if you don’t like something, do something about it.” Words of my late Father. He made radical changes too, and lived in a number of different cities, but I think I have outdone him in random movements around the globe. Marriage and children made him more grounded, not for this black duck. Not yet anyway. We will see what comes up in the coming weeks, watch this space, we have a live one!

Yesterday I went out to Berry Springs for a dip in some warm tropical croc waters. It was magical, and not a croc in site! It is an easy drive out from Darwin, only 40 minutes and a great place for a day picnic with friends and a swim. I will return for sure! With friends next time ideally. Earlier in the week I went out to do a tour of Lichfield National Park, well that is what the brochure said. It felt more like a road house tour! We stopped about 6 times for drinks and ice-cream and chips and random shit you don’t need like a summer roll and a ginger beer. $53 later, I knew all the roadhouses out there pretty well, and the park, not so much! By the final stop, on a complete mental sugar high, I was crying laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, getting a few surprising looks by my fellow passengers. I was also having an anxiety release moment, feeling super nervous about next week and starting my new job. As each person walked off the bus early, I was counting up the extra prawns I was planning to eat at the promised sunset champagne and prawns part of the day. I know, I was losing it. The prawns didn’t even taste good! And we had to peel them. Meaning no one could be fucked, so we all just had one half frozen woody tasteless prawn and I had nothing to drink because I am being a sober hero right now. Trust me the thought of a drink to ease my anxiety has felt pretty compelling this week, but my resolve is strong. I know I would feel worse for it afterwards and for breaking my 6 month streak. Annoyingly I have been waking up with a headache most mornings anyway, without alcohol, just plain old stress.

We did go on a pretty cool crocodile tour in the morning, on a river full of 10’000 crocodiles. Now that is a boat you do not want to fall out of! We should not be too worried though, although crocodiles can eat you, many other animals per year do a much better job. Apparently horses, emus and dogs kill more than crocodiles do, they just don’t look as scary! After that we headed to Wangi falls, which were lovely, minus the 1000 other people there. You know some of us humans really are going to the dogs. I looked around at the people out there that day, and it occurred to me how soft and ridiculous and pathetic most humans are. You should have seen the way they squirmed about getting in the water. Ridiculous. It wasn’t even cold! And it was 35 degrees outside! All the soft overweight bodies, slow, stiff movements, scaredy cat kids, we really have all gotten way too soft. It made me want to toughen up and get fit and put my body through some paces. We all spend our time inside too much. Anyhow, it was a strange moment in time where I realised humans can just be soft bastards. I am already speaking like a Territorian, fucken oath. CU in the NT. I kid you not, this was an advertising slogan recently here. I know. Look where I have landed!

To finish the tour we stopped at the Florence falls lookout for 3.5 minutes, sadly I looked longingly down the magical path to the deep blue refreshing water below, wishing I could only take a little bit of exercise and wobble some of my sluggish bus fat off. But no, it was off to another road house, for a 40 minute comfort stop. Because, shit, you have to be comfortable, that is really important. I kid you not, it was laughable. Well I was laughing, like a crazy person, uproariously, with tears and everything, but I do have a wicked sense of humour, and all the other dull fucks just were probably happy to be comfortable. Dull fucks minus my new leso friends, they were awesome!

Also I went back to Mindil beach again, which was fun, and I took some cool sunset photos, hope you likey.

Okay that will be me for this post, before I slide down into any more profanity! Hope you have enjoyed reading, please say hello or comment your thoughts, I always like to hear from my readers, even you silent stealth like ones.

Anita xx

CU in the NT. Ridic.