There, I said it: I have a commitment phobia. I pretty much find it hard to commit to any thing big. Except travel, and even then the dates are sketchy. Why I ask myself? Everyone else seems to love all that pressure and responsibility and committed-ness…but not me, not this little brown duck.
I have been hiding my commitment phobia for quite awhile now; not very successfully however. It becomes pretty obvious when you have no house, partner, or pets, or full time job for that matter, when I write it down I realise how non-committal I really look! I guess it is a matter of perspective. I get a spontaneous outbreak of shingles when I think about getting trapped into a mortgage, and a dog, no way. I am too restless for a dog. As much as I love them. Don’t even get me started on having babies! I am pretty pleased I have a lease, even internet connection and a mobile phone contract. I even own furniture! So thats pretty good I think, that’s committed enough right?
I was chatting to a friend the other day casually about having pets. She is 15 years older than me, single, and in my eyes pretty settled. She bought a house so that’s a pretty big deal for a Sagittarian. But still, she admitted in passing she was too restless for pets. She wished for a dog as a companion and a cat and even some chickens. But the thought of the commitment was perhaps a little overwhelming, and what would you do if you wanted to go off travelling? That is always the thing, travelling.
Travelling in my eyes is the most brilliant thing to do in the whole wide world. I just love it. But it can be pretty inconvenient for a control freak. All this restlessness makes commitment quite challenging. Travelling can be good for a commitment phobe; in fact travelling can make you feel more relaxed. When you travel you can only control so many factors, and the rest is up for grabs; the main focus is to enjoy yourself, now that I can handle.
So when my friend talked about her fear of having pets, the commitment, the responsibility, I could totally relate. And I also know I don’t want to always feel like that and miss out on the joy that pets can bring. Her fears scared me too; I know that I have to overcome my restlessness; at some point in the future…after my next trip…how many times have I said that?
I read something fleeting recently; my weird memory reworked version is: “happiness comes from consistent and ongoing actions”. My point is doing things for a quick fix does not equal lasting happiness. OMG! This is where I have been fucking it all up! I am quite impulsive, spur of the moment; but I also constantly day dream and plan and scheme my life plan. It is always operating in the recess of my mind; when I become less distracted and manage to focus for brief periods (seconds) of time, brilliant bulbs of passion blossoms, and boom, I have another plan. Love that. The hard part is slowing down long enough to listen to those brilliant plans working their persistent way through the murky convoluted neural pathways of my mind.
Commitment, that’s right. God, commit to the post Anita! So, commitment I realise is not for everyone. I just don’t like it. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed or pressured or stressed by the big things. That is me, and I am happy with that. If something/someone comes along that I love and want to commit to, sure! I can do that. If it feels right. I can be the most loyal person around. But that hasn’t happened for awhile, which makes me think I can’t commit. Well I can. I know I can. But for now, with all the other big things, I won’t. Because frankly, I don’t need to.
Commitment and responsibility add to the purpose and joy of your life. This is important. It is the old bell curve theory, not enough C and R and you feel like crap, too much and you feel like crap; we all need to find the right amount. Renting for me is the right amount of commitment, relief teaching is proving the right amount of commitment, and I am even thinking of fostering a cat. Fostering means you can give it back. You are not fully responsible forever. THAT is the scary part. The forever part. I think I have nailed it. Commitment means you are stuck doing it FOREVER. Lol.
I see a theme here too…temporary. Everything feels temporary. Well the reality is nothing lasts forever, our whole lives are temporary but I guess we need to get traction and find something in our lives that sticks; that is pleasantly repetitive, creates a happy monotony, or a calm continuity; this I realise will bring happiness.
I really don’t know why I have got this far without major adult commitments. Maybe I am lucky? Feel free to psycho analyse my commitment phobia and respond in the comment section below, I am open to all analysis.
How have you weaved your web through the obstacles of adult life with commitment? There really are no awards for the most committed person, but I am willing to think of one for someone who responds with a good comment.
Love Anita xx
Hey, at least I can commit to this blog! Now that I can do! 🙂