As I meticulously cleaned my car, my mind drifted back to a time when I was happy with a man. He was a fastidious car cleaner, the type that vacuums every week, I know right? Why did I let him go? As I sucked and vacked (another new word) the car out, a rare job because it’s tricky, it reminded me of my long lost boyfriend S. Gosh, I sure did make a mistake in letting that one go.
When you are young and blissfully unaware of the dating journey ahead, one thinks ‘oh well, there will be plenty more!’ or ‘there are plenty fish in the sea’ or this pearler ‘once bitten twice shy’… I wonder what number 13 is? Far out. If I could be one of those crazy lunatic women who ran after a lost love after 20 years, yes, for this man I think I would. But I won’t, because it’s weird. I am weird, but that behaviour is over the threshold. It’s off the cliff! So I will just write about it instead, that will have to suffice for now!
I have had many boyfriends, all very different, all quite lovely, but for some reason or another not quite right for the long term. But who is right? I realise in my wisdom as a single 37 year old, no one is ever going to be perfect. It is more about how willing you are to make it work, how prepared you are to compromise, negotiate, get along, accept and love unconditionally, plus a whole plethora of undisclosed tricky stuff, which clearly I haven’t quite figured out yet…
We speak of unconditional love. This is rare. I have always thought that this really only can come from our parents, and most probably dogs and cats. Most random animals you meet by chance are very affectionate, unconditional and beautiful, ohhh. But when it comes to humans, there just may be some conditions required to make the cut for the perfect partner. I mean there are definite deal breakers, but then strangely there are always exceptions to those rules. Always. For example I once dated a drug trafficker who had served time in jail. AND HE WAS A REALLY GREAT GUY! Seriously! People make mistakes in life and you really can’t slay them for it for the rest of their lives. I mean, he wasn’t a keeper, but for other reasons… and I am not sure Dad would have been happy with my choices there, but I liked him. Anyhow, that’s just one example. Told you my past was varied!
Who knows what went wrong with all those brave men who bared their souls to me at different times of my life. Thank you for that awesome time in history, for the love, for the lessons learnt and for teaching me what I don’t want. Or perhaps making me realise what I missed out on? It was all good, I have excellent fond loving awesome memories of many past beaus, and for that I am grateful for.
Exes are exes for a reason. Sure. But maybe it was us? I am a traveller, a lover, a passionate explorer of life; and at different times in my life I have left partners to continue my wild adventures. And I don’t regret that. Because surely if they were really as awesome as they proclaim to have been, why didn’t they come too?
I am yet to find a man who can keep up with my wild whimsical spirit for adventure, for newness, for change, for exciting living. I get cramped quickly, and like new fresh perspectives. Not to say I am not monogamous, because I am. I am insanely passionate, and perhaps too intense. A bit of a cling on at times, I like to be close. Affection and warmth are top qualities, love is to be shared.
Where am I going with this? Who knows!? There were trips around Spain, meetings on trains, lock ons in pubs, and encounters on tennis courts. Men come and men go. But oh, the times were fun. I wonder when and where my next encounter will be? That’s what makes this games so exciting, the element of surprise and uncertainty. Surely all that predictability in relationships could grow dull? Or maybe that is the course of partners; to become warm and soft and lush like your favourite blanket. Cuddly, comforting, supportive and forever loveable. One can only dream, and I plan to keep the dream alive.
The older I get the more complex I find relationships and humans to be. Perhaps the point is to keep it simple, appreciate the present moment, love who you are with, and simply be happy with who you are right now. Love who you are so some one else can too.
Love to you all, and especially to all those exes who still have a piece of my heart.