I have not had a good day, so far. I am all over the place emotionally this week. It has been quite the transition settling into my new home, good, but challenging.
The stark reality of being on my own is very real now.
I hate to admit it, but I am feeling really quite miserable.
It is very difficult to admit, but I think I am d…
Depressed. There I said it. God that was tough.
I have been raised to be so darn positive and optimistic all the time that when I feel flat and miserable I want to sweep such pesky annoying and unwelcome feelings under any matt I can find. I do not like feeling de…, I can’t even say it, unhappy, and I will keep fighting it. Although today, with rain and wind outside, I have conceded defeat on my usually active plans and decided to stay home.
With candles on, incense burning and a saved subscribed magazine now read, I am already feeling better about my choice to ground myself. As I was flipping through the glossy goodness of “Homes Plus” Magazine, I was suddenly inspired to write. All that interior decorating awesomeness was making me feel inspired!
And as coaxed by a fellow blogger this morning, “words really are magical”, I felt the desire to write and here goes; I do it because I love it.
I feel like my biggest support in blogging has come from strangers, and other bloggers all around the world. I love reading your blogs and seeing your beautiful art works in watercolour and other mediums. I love art and feel very passionate about pursuing and encouraging others to pursuit their creative talents. If only we could be better paid to be so creative right?
I am in crisis mode at the moment, and feel like a complete reshuffle of my priorities and life goals are in order. I need to do a massive brainstorm, goal setting session and creatively explore my mind and see what ignites my passion, once again. It is reset time, and time to focus on new things, new energies and explore new ideas. I am so passionate about doing what I love to do, I really need to continue to act as I preach.
As I drink tea from my favourite blue glass mug, I am looking out into my new green and brown courtyard. I have now created a space I can call my own. Entirely mine. I have culled almost half or more of my possessions, from clothes to books to crap in draws that just needed to go. I feel lighter, but also raw. I am a blank canvas again, ready to be splashed with inspiration and motivation and insight to an awesome life once again.
When I left for my trip to go overseas for 9 weeks about 3 months ago; I was teary and anxious and suffering my “manic panic”, remember? I felt this way because I knew my travels were going to irrevocably change me. As they always do. I would be ripped from the order and perfection I had created in my day to day life at the time. Life was good before I left on my trip; I was happy, in a good routine, happy in my work, eating well, keeping up my fitness and my social life was buzzing. Since I have returned I had to move house and everything has simply gone tits up (an Aussie expression meaning things just are not the same).
But that’s the magical thing about life. Nothing stays the same, the good and the bad. Life is a continual progression from stagnation to swift movement, from manic to miserable, from ecstatic to teary, from elated to offended, from daunted to thrilled. We are always on some emotional scale of wonder.
Writing this blog has helped me immensely. I feel like you my readers are a huge support for me too, and I want to say thank you to you all. I have no family now, and I generally feel quite disconnected from things in life right now. Blogging makes me feel good. I enjoy contributing to this creative pursuit, and bringing you as my reader some joy and perhaps a bridge of understanding? We are all so similar but so different in many ways. I hope my words can connect to you.
I have a tragic thing to admit. I feel like I am dying. But you know the reality is we are all dying every day. We are all catapulting to our end point whether we like it or not, whether we are aware of it or not. I look at old people and wonder;
“How the hell did you make it that far?”
I know my grief and sadness is changing my chemical balance in my body, and I am crumbling on the inside. It is up to me to change this attitude and overcome my grief and find joy in my life again. Doing it on my own is not easy, and some days are easier than others. Today I am struggling, but within the day, there will always be joy. A break of sun, a call from a friend, a visitor, an encounter with a stranger to boost my mood. Things are constantly evolving.
So what to do with this thing called life? I continue to challenge the prescribed program of marriage, mortgage, children and full time work. I have so far not made this mould of conformity, and I realise now at 36 I do not think I am suited to any of it, or maybe I am?
Who the fuck knows?
Ok, I think I have dribbled on long enough here. I would love some comments. Tell me what you are doing that is exciting in your life right now? Pump me with some enthusiasm!
Love Anita xx
P.S. On a brighter note there are still more posts on Turkey coming next week!! 🙂